just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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