She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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