Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
