I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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