so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
