Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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