I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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