I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
