This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
