I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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