Already got asked if we're dating
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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