I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Randomize
