If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
