I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
