he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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