I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
