I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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