I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
