wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
