he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
