hell yes lets make some ravioli
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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