Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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