i already hear my dad disowning me
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
