yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
