You're my little dorito
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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