Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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