Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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