party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
