I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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