apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
