Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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