she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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