a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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