Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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