I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
