I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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