I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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