Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
