I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
