Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
