grandma shit on top of the toilet
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
