Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
