you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
