i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
