Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
