Non-Jews are for practice
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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