you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
