Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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