I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
