I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
