Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
