fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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