You just made me feel so damn special
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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