If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
